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Dump the Guy but Keep the Porsche
Q. Dear Savannah,
Please help me! I need to dump a guy fast. What’s the best method?
Sincerely,
Desperate in Edmonton
A. SAVANNAH SAYS:
The obvious answer is to tell him you’re pregnant. In my considerable experience, nothing makes a man go “poof!” faster than knowing he’s sired a child. In fact, it pays to have your pregnant girlfriends save their home pregnancy test sticks for you (they’ll keep in zipper bags for quite awhile) so that you can produce actual “evidence” in case the guy seems reluctant to leave. (If you don’t have any pregnant girlfriends, you can go down to your local Planned Parenthood and get any number of pregnant teenagers to pee on the sticks for you. It’s considered good manners to tip them $5 for their service.)
In general, the key to a successful break-up is simple: you always want him to be the one to leave. This gives you the chance to seize the moral high ground and keep all the communal property, not to mention you’ll garner the sympathy of all your mutual friends. Once the break-up has been accomplished, use statements like this to help keep things in the proper perspective, both for yourself and your friends:
“Of course I’m keeping the Thomasville bedroom suite. HE left ME, you know!”
“Don’t even think about asking for your ring back, you jerk. You’re the one who walked out on me, remember?”
“That Porsche Boxster was a birthday present, and I’m not returning it! After all, I need something to help me deal with the pain he caused by leaving me.”
Now you understand the dynamics to aim for. Still, accomplishing the break-up can be a bit tricky. To aid you, I’ve compiled this by-no-means-exhaustive list of subtle ways to influence your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend into leaving:
* Develop an annoying habit. For example, communicate only by singing. Or whistling.
* Giggle during lovemaking. When he demands an explanation, just shrug and say, “Oh, it’s nothing.” Then giggle uncontrollably at the private joke.
* Develop a sudden interest in body piercing - men’s bodies, that is.
* Announce you’re turning celibate as a silent protest against human rights abuses in third-world countries.
* Gain a lot of weight. A LOT of weight.
* Make yourself over in the image of k.d. lang.
* Profess to be into the retro, 60s thing and stop shaving your legs and armpits. Quit bathing, too.
* Take up cigar smoking. Not the expensive, sexy ones, but the smelly obnoxious kind.
* If you’re young, start dressing and behaving much older. For example, wear frumpy housedresses and support hose. If you’re middle-aged, dress and act much younger. Wear hotpants and other ridiculous outfits.
* Insist on being with him all the time. Shadow him wherever he goes, including (especially!) on “boy’s night out.” Tell him you love him so much you can’t stand to be apart.
* Find God and ask your boyfriend to pray with you several times a day.
* Invite your parents over frequently just to “hang out.”
* Tell him you’re considering breast reduction surgery (no matter how small your breasts already are) because you think the “flat-chested look” is sexy.
* Stop doing housework. Begin taking in multitudes of stray neighborhood cats.
* Complain about insignificant, or even imaginary, things. For example, say, “You forgot to pick up orange juice at the store again,” when you never asked him to do so in the first place.
* Handcuff or otherwise permanently affix the TV remote control to your wrist, thereby requiring him to ask permission every time he wants to watch TV or change the channel.
The list is endless, really, and only requires a bit of imagination. Tune into his pet peeves and play them like a Stradivarius. Soon, he’ll be walking out the door.
Good luck, dear!
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